"Living but Dying"

I was very hesitant to write this blog because once again I would be allowing myself to become transparent to all of you. For fear of being a letdown to you guys I hesitated, then I remembered my promise to my loyal readers and my brothers and sisters in Christ and that is to always be transparent so that my shortcomings can be used as tools of your deliverance and weapons in your battles to overcome.  

As I lay there, violated by my weakness to allow myself to go back to sexual sin, my memories began to flood my mind and my emotions become more and more salient. While he was touching me, I felt violated, I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t ask him to stop. As his advances intensified my disgust grew and my spirit grieved and my mind and spirit cried out stop but I never told him to. I laid there, I allowed him to continue and continue and when it was over I was paralyzed. The condemnation set in. The disappointment set in. The disgust set in. As he sat across from me witnessing my plethora of emotions and my state of disgust, foolishly he asked was I ok, like it was something he had done.

I thought to myself, no it’s all on me. This is my fight that I forfeited. This is my rope that I hung myself with. I had the chance to erase the text. I had the chance to not resend my address. I had the chance to not open the door and to just say no but I didn’t.

I am saved, delivered, set free and an uprising influential author, I write about deliverance, I tweet and post statuses about deliverance and here I am laying in my bed of sin. Here I am back to where I started, but how.  How did this happen to me?

Then reluctant, naked and ashamed, I picked myself up and embarrassingly stumbled back into the arms of Jesus. Once again I was asking for forgiveness for something I had been delivered and set free from. I truly felt like a dog going back to his own vomit.  Then I realized I am empty. There is no residue left. I have no gas in the tank. I am spiritually on “E”.

See my friends in the natural we are forever accessing knowledge through our experiences and teachings. That knowledge fuels our decision making and behavior. What we read, see and experience create how we act, react and live in our society. See I was feeding my flesh.  My humanly nature was being edified and taken care of but I was starving my spirit. I wasn’t reading my bible. Because of work I had been missing church, missing my weekly feeding. I wasn’t praying like before, missing my communion with God, furthering myself from His presence and starving myself spiritually all the while indulging myself naturally. 

 Understand that our spiritual flesh controls our natural flesh and that our spiritual flesh operates off of the words of this world. The concepts, ideas, beliefs and attitudes we are socialized to have gives our spiritual flesh the power it needs to control us. For example, if you see or read about some type of sexual encounter, it fuels your spiritual flesh and a thought is formulated in your mind, then that thought is then acted out and manifested through your natural flesh. This same model applies to the Spirit of God that lives within you and the word of God.

The Spirit of God doesn’t move based upon your needs and what you say, the Spirit of God moves to bring to manifestation what the word of God has professed. In the book of Genesis your bible said that the Spirit of the Lord moved across the waters and then God spoke and there was. See the Spirit of God is always moving and ready to operate in according to what the word commands. It wasn’t until God spoke that things were formed.  It wasn’t until God said let us make man in our own image that the Spirit of God reacted and created the breathe of life that was used to create man. See man wasn’t created in the image of God through clay or dirt. Because God isn’t made of clay or dirt, God isn’t flesh. Man’s spirit is the image of God. The clay or dirt was just the vessel used to house the Spirit of God so that God could be able to send Jesus to save the world. See God is all knowing, he is omniscient and omnipresent. This means He knew Adam would fall and bring damnation to our species. See God had already had a plan to send Jesus, that’s why and how He orchestrated the lineage of Christ.

Your bible says greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. That scripture means that the Spirit of God that lives within you has the capacity and authority that supercedes anything that is wordly or created by the prince of the air or your spiritual flesh. With this revelation I realized my issue was that it wasn’t any word in me to activate the Spirit of God within me.

See I was lacking intimacy with the Father; he had not been able to pour into my spirit. He had not been able to strengthen me; He had not been able to make me sensitive to His moves and His ways of escape. I was so caught up with the things of this world. I was so caught up with my fleshly desires. When I say fleshly desires I am not always talking about things we view as sinful or evil. Fleshly desires can be obtaining more money or status, obtaining an education, a relationship, a family or a hobby. See the way we think, react and live in this natural world all initially come from our fleshly desires.

I had been feeding my flesh, giving it the word of the world, which activated my appetites and my desires. So when the opportunity presented itself, I fell for it. It was because I had no word in me to activate the Spirit of God within me, to lift up the standard against the enemy to keep me free from sin. See you can’t fight flesh with flesh. You can’t overcome your sinful desires through your own will because your own will comes from your natural manifestations of your fleshly desires. So you have to allow the Spirit of God to speak to your spiritual flesh and bring it under subjection. This happens by becoming one with the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God isn’t activated by your words or instructions; the Spirit of God brings to pass what the word of God decrees and declares. So in order for us to be victorious we need to fuel ourselves with the word of the living God so that when the tempter comes the Spirit of the Lord will be able to operate on our behalf and lift up a standard against him.