Journal Entry from my book, "Tears of Deliverance"

Journal Entry 6

So much has been happening in my life. God has been blessing and I have been messing. I realized today that I struggle with current issues because I haven’t healed from past hurts. I’m so tired of dealing with low self esteem, sexual desires and just living poorly in its entirety. Sometimes I sit back and wonder does God has a concern for my spiritual well being. I mean the world calls me gay and faggot because my gender behavior doesn’t match those stereotyped for a man. You know what I’m sorry my voice isn’t deep enough, I’m sorry I’m fat, I’m sorry I’m less attractive than other people, I’m sorry I don’t have muscles or a strong physique. I’m tired of having oral and anal sex just to be liked for a moment. I am tired of guys coming in and out of my life with no real friendships. I am tired of having sexual encounter after sexual encounter just to feel some form of emotional attachment. I am tired of having no solutions to my issues and I just sit back and think why?? When I think about my future there is a wife, kids, house and etc. And that’s what I want. That’s what I desire to have but I am so afraid that It won’t happen because I don’t know how to approach a woman. I was never taught how to be a man so I’m 25 years old with the man knowledge of a child. I am so low in self esteem woman intimidate me. I think who wants to be with a faggot. If I see a woman looking at me or people in general I ask myself what’s wrong with me, they must be talking about how gay I look or how fat I am or how ugly I am. My-self perception is so destructive. I m just so tired of the emotional and mental pain I am in daily. I hear of stories of how God performed the miraculous and delivered people instantaneous from and addiction or an affliction and I sit back and ask when is my turn going to come. But yet I am not giving up. Just this morning I had sex with an ex. I didn’t want to but I did it anyway. I felt the condemnation, I felt the sickening of my stomach but I did it anyway. No matter what I decide to do or how I decide to do it when I’m feeling depressed or lonely I turn back to sex. I hate it, I dislike it, and I just want to be normal. I just want to be a man, masculine, attractive and straight. God where is my encounter and where is my miracle. I am not reading my word or praying like I used to. I am tired of going to church and not feeling the presence of God. Am I so filthy that even God doesn’t want to be around me? I am tired of not having any male friends to help teach me the things men are suppose to know and behave. I am tired of living in poverty and barely surviving. I am tired of working at McDonalds for a little over minimum wage and less than 30 hours but in the midst of all this I am still thank for the job and thankful for the money that I do make. My knees are knocked and my feet are slew and God I just don’t know what to do. I barely can explain how I feel. Am I emotional or emotionless? Why did you create me like this, what is my purpose, how will my destiny manifest itself? If I can’t say no to the park on Sundays, adam4adam, craigslist or BGC how can I ever find a wife? I hate myself, I hate my behaviors. I’m 25 still in undergrad, I am not close to being married, I have no real male friends, I have no spiritual support system but God I am still trying. My heart is heavy but it still beats for you. My hands and body are dirty but I still want to serve you. My mouth is unclean but I still want to talk to you. I still want to teach, preach and prophesy your word. My mind is a mess but I still want to see visions and dreams. God when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to be completely healed? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? God you have to do something because I’m falling and this time I don’t think I can get back up……..